Lawrence Marcus Smith

ok, that is his name...nice guy....i have been in the dumps lately and Lawrence has somehow lifted my spirits....his conversation is nice, i got it, he is a grown man....wow, is this what it feels like to talk to a grown man...what a beautiful thing....

i mean the brother is talking about possibly raising our children together....i mean wanting them to be sucessful black men.....it blew my mind...this man was not thinking about having relations with me, (if he was, he never mentioned it) our talks were about the future and what he wanted out of life and what he expected from life....it was real crazy...i was in my element...

not much more to say but just to say that i met a really nice guy....................

Lawrence Marcus Smith..................?

Thank You

i just received this through email and with all that i have been going through and all that he has brought me through he deserves a thank you, not now but right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!


DEAR GOD:

I want to thank You for what you have already done.

I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet; I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed; I am thanking you right now.
I am thanking you because I am alive.
I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I'm thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.

KEEPING THE FAITH!!!!!!!!

OK, i haven't written in a while...i have been dealing with a lot....I have been trying to find my strength in the lord....which brings me to my topic----FAITH!!!I am young and independent, i have been through a lot and i have seen and heard a lot but nothing had destroyed my faith up until Friday, Jun 1, 2007.....

Yes, i have a "dead beat baby daddy" but i never let that stop my show....to be honest i never wanted my son but he is here now and i love his little butt to death.....I guess God needed me to see how important my son was too me, whether i wanted to see it or not....

JUN 1, 2007

This is like so many weeks of unpaid daycare...Mind you i don't ask him for nothing but daycare he is court ordered to pay, which he doesn't and because i am not on welfare i have to handle that situation on my own per family court intake---ain't that some %#&@$!....anyway, i have paid the daycare on numerous occasions when he hadn't and with things getting more expensive, especially gas and i have a SUV things are a little tight for me...so i decided i was no longer going to play these games...you have a job and a responsibility to take care of this child as i do and you will do it...

at this point daycare is now two weeks past due and this is his weekend with his son (he has ditched him a few times there too---he really ain't %#&@$!) so i call him, i am polite and i tell him "daycare has to be paid today, you did not pay the week ending 5/25 and this week is due 6/1 the amount is 180.00" he replies, "how i gave you (check this out) $35.00 last week....so i only owe you $125.00 (now i am thinking to myself all these months he has went w/o paying daycare he is actually going to credit himself 35.00 from the 180.00---he ain't %#&@$! and 35.00 from 180 is 145--NUCCA can't subtract either)

i had to break it down for him, um i paid 19.99 for a box of 80 pampers, 5.99 for a box of wipes, and i purchased him 5 chef boyardee lunches @ 1.19 a cup... now how far do you think that 35.00 was going to go....and you don't owe me 125 you owe me 145.00---35 from 180 is 145.00...he replies i gave you an extra 20.00 two weeks ago...

now i am getting pist---all this time i covered this lousy %#&@$! 180.00 and you are going to micro mange every dime you gave me, which wasn't that often....i said well, since you want to be petty' figure up all the times i covered daycare, then i said you know what just pay the 180.00 (i wasn't going to be petty or immature)...as of today i am out of the daycare situation.. since you are financially responsible for it by court order you handle it...i will let them know that all financial responsibilities will lay with you....

he says oh no you won't, i don't live there you handle it---(he acts like he lives a thousand miles away, he lives in Philly off of 76 a half hour ride...) i said look i am tired of being embarrassed every time i go there and find out that you haven't paid and they are looking for me to pay (sometimes i don't have the money but i sacrifice one thing to pay for another) i am not dealing with it anymore...Goodbye!

well, i guess he did not like that coming from the push over (he thought i was anyway) he calls back (mind you, i am at work) since you want to be petty i am not paying daycare (cause you don't have it ; u never do, is what i an thinking) and i am NOT taking my son, when you get here i won't be here(now i am thinking is he really going to diss his son for 180.00, it is not that serious)

As normal, i get off, work, pack the baby's bag head to Philly, get there, i see him and his ugly %#&@$! cousin(my bad that was mean) in front of the shop, i blow to make sure he sees me, i go around the block and park come back with the baby and my two other kids in toe, he is gone....

i go inside hey, where's (deadbeat)? i don't know replies his brother....i reply, they were just in front of the shop...nah, i don't know where they are at....now i am thinking to myself, i know this nucca ain't playing this game...so i waited for him for like a half hour.....

a patron comes out the barbershop (because that is where he lives) and she says are you the baby mom, i am like yes, she replies, sis he is in there....he told his brother when my baby mom comes in tell her that i am not here....Now i am heated he is not going to give me the money nor is he going to take the baby (calm down girl). i go back in, P, i am not trying to cause a seen in your shop but i know your brother is in here or you know where he is at... P says for real meek he didn't come in here...

Now i know he is lieing, i got my children with me how am i going to react? I walk out try to calm myself...i am thinking, and i am pacing back and forth....this light skin dude comes up, yo you look mad as hell sis, i say, go in there and tell deadbeat to come out now!!! light skin dude com back he says, look ma, (ugly ass cousin) in there sleep, and deadbeat says he ain't here.....now i snap!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i push pass light skin dude, go get your f*cking brother now, i am not playing these games, i have no time for it...this is your nephew, you gonna do your nephew like this? P replies, i am for real they never came in here....Why the f*ck dude just tell me that (ugly %#&@$! cousin) is sleep and (dead beat) said he ain't here...you go get him or i will.....

i realized i am being petty, crazy and unlady like (but %#&@$! this is my son) then it clicked, leave him here....dead beat gotta come back sooner or later, (since they claim he ain't here---liars).....so i place my 2 year old in the chair with is bag and tell his brother, tell him to come get his son..... me and my two other children walk out....(read real carefully, you are not going to believe this)

Dead beats brother, my son's uncle places my 2 (two) year old son on the step with his bag, closes the door and lock it...My son is now running towards the street and me and my other children are crossing....i had to grab them and run back to get my son, because he was coming into the street and a trolley was coming........(at that moment i knew this little boy was my everything he was apart of my being, i realized, i love my son)

when we all were safe, i went ballistic...i was looking for the brothers car (nice Accra) because i was going to bust that son of a %#&@$! up----i started screaming, cursing, kicking the door just acting pure ugly, and all this time his dad made no effort....i finally got it together, and left...

on the ride home, my children rode in silence...(surprised) i thought to myself, i have been dedicated to the lord, i have try to allow him to order my steps but why has God allowed me to endure this struggle alone....the more and more I thought the less faith i had in him, God!!!

by the time i reached my home, i had completely lost it, i was crying, contemplating suicide and taking the kids with me....not because i did not love them but because i loved them so much and i am the reason that they are here and they do not have the fullest life they can have, their fathers.....

i made bad decisions regarding men and i felt like my decisions had cause pain in my children who did not ask to be here...guilt was eating me alive....the more i thought, the more i realized that i choose this life and wanted it to be over....at that moment i loved no one, not even God....

the situation became so horrific and as i started to describe my pain to my mom she realized that i needed her...My best friend came,not knowing what she was walking into, and to be honest, she was shocked....my friends look up to me because for all these years i have held it down and never lost focus and for the first time they saw me out of control of things....she did not know what to say....actually her saying nothing was the best thing....

my dad showed up and that helped a lot...for the first time, my dad was my daddy!!!! i needed his comfort and his love and he gave it to me....was there until 12:00 that night....

as the weekend progressed, i started questioning the things going on in my life, and asked God why have you made me so strong, why am i so independent....you know what the reply was, "i have given you 3 of the best blessings i could give you and you are the only one tough enough to take on this task of being their mother and father....."

that is truly what my heart felt so with that, it renewed my strength and restored my faith....i looked at my children and i promised to give them the best damn life i can....i stopped complaining about what their fathers aren't doing and started thinking about what more can i do... IF GOD BROUGHT YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

******************MOMMIES BABIES, DADDIES MAYBE*************************

The Weekend #2

it is the weekend again, a long weekend for me---i have off on Monday----yeah!!!

before i get into the weekend, i have to vent about Hip-Hop!!!!!!

we have been cool now for 3 months and the other day he called stating he wanted to come over---"ya know what i mean"---now i am thinking aren't you back with your baby's mom aka wifey, why are you getting at me....so i let him know, naw, I'm not feeling that way (that was once me, home pregnant, and baby's dad out cheating--i wanted NO parts of that") like i said before Karma is a bitch---

then he stated that he needed to talk about the side jawn that was tripping on him---so i said cool we can do that....then this bama says unlock the back door (oh, hell no!!!! know he just did not tell me to open the back door---since when) so i replied open the back door--yeah----i said ok!!!

Guess what??? i NEVER unlocked the back door....i turned my light out and shut my phone off---now we have been cool all this time; now you want to come through my back door???? I am way too old for that mess---you feel me ...I am woman, a woman of integrity, class, morals, ethics, and values....why come through the back when we are only friends---that let me know that he is now just using me for $ex---ain't gonna happen!!! never did it, nor will it....so needless to say i have not heard from him and that is cool too!!! he has a family which he needs to get right and with me encouraging the infidelity i am no better than he is, and it makes me less of a woman...

so since i am "Learning Me and Lovin' It" i am doing what is right for ME and what is going to make ME happy and that shyt he was trying to pull would have only hindered my growing process!!!! so yeah to me for being strong and remaining strong!!!!!!!

oh, i almost forgot----he did say i can get at him on Fridays--when he come out--Today is Friday----i wonder if he will call----if he does i will let you know!!!! Knowing him he probably will, he does call himself "King Jaffe---ruler of Zamunda"---leave it alone!!!!!! I'm telling you.....just laugh about it!!!!!!!

now back to the weekend plans:

1. clean----i need to fold about 6 tall baskets of clothes that i have been looking at for about 3 weeks (tacky huh) then i have about 6 loads to wash----thank God for my washer and dryer---God knows i despise the Laundromat----i haven't had to go to the laundromat in 4 years--whew!!!! thank you Jesus!!!!!!

2. ANOTHER track meet---this time it is not too far---maybe about an hour drive---My son has made the finals---placed 5th overall so i don't know HOW many more meets i have to attend!!!! Hurry up will ya!!!

3. going out---now, there is a party in CMD (Camden) that is suppose to be off the hook---i hope because i am ready to get my drink on (casually--i don't drink and drive) and my party on---oh, yeah i can dance a little....

4. church on Sunday----i have not been to church since psalm Sunday----lord please for give me---(not going to touch that one---just know i will be in church on Sunday)

5. find some one's barbecue to crash!!!!!!!

*************Have a Great Memorial Day Weekend*****************

The Weekend---Update!!!

ok, sorry to say that all i cleaned was my downstairs and that took from 9:30 am until 2:30 pm...Yall i get down when i clean....i mean, clean baseboards, scrub walls, wash windows and the whole nine---anywho, i only fisnished downstairs because i went to a Barbeque on Sunday (the day i cleaned---i don't know what happened to Friday and Saturday). it was in CMD- Camden!!!! it was not what i thought it was but it was cool--a new scene!!!

so let me get to the date----this bama(Gregg) called---NOPE texted me asking me if i wanted to go to AC on Saturday---i thought to myself ok, ok, i found a brother that knows what is to take a GROWN Lady out!!!! so i responded "that would be great"---he texted back me and my boy---Now hold up---you and your boy, I thought this was a date---so i said don't trip it could be a double date, he might be shy....so i was like that is cool...this is the best part---this NUCCA tells me that it is an OVER NIGHT stay, is that cool---HEll NAW, that aint cool...i have THREE (3) children that need their mother and i am not going no where overnight with any man i just met---who the hell does he think i am----i politely responded, "no, that is not cool, i don't know you, and i am concerned for my safety and the fact that you are bringing your boy is not cool either...instead of him being the gentleman that i THOUGHT he was and say you are right, we don't have to stay this BAMA says "i'm a lover not a killer" Aw HELL NAW for real now---so this NUCCA actually thought i was going to get with him because he took me to AC???? NUCCA be for real---me and my girls do that on a humbug----Now, i am hot and i say you know what this is over----i never texted him back---later that day i recieved another text that says you coming or not----I responded-----NOT!!! then erased the bama's number out my phone.....

This NUCCA had lost his mind to think i was going to go to AC and bone him----Men you better wake up and realize that this is 07 and WOMEN real WOMEN want to be treated like women.....so needless to say----I had no date, but it was cool.....

But i did hook up with this guy on Monday---UM, UM, UM----until next time!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't you know better......

come on bro, you CAN NOT have your JAIL photo on black planet....I mean really dude, you got other pictures....I mean bro the barb wire fence is behind you......this makes no since ----jaysavage173 (yes i put him out there) please brother get that one photo off there....If you are looking for a real woman you certainly are not getting her with your JAIL photo.....(as it is his MAIN photo; this photo represents him across the site)

Blog world, i can not believe that our brothers do not have the common sense not to post a jail photo....god gave them common sense .....why didn't he use his??? how many woman would check his site out....i was just searchin looking at photos and i thought to myself is that barb wire, so i enlarge the photo....damn if it wasn't....when i tell you i hollered; i hollered....the whole office was looking at me like i was crazy....this is the wildest thing i have ever seen before...

My brothers, my brothers, if you have been incarcerated, ain't no shame in that (hopefully you will never go back) but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT post your jail house photo....It is not attractive, nor is it appealing....the only thing it did for me was give me a good laugh and make me ask the question......Don't you know better!!!!!

The weekend

thank goodness it is Friday...there is so much that i have to do this weekend and i am going to do it!!!


1.) clean my house from top to bottom---i am a neat freak and i have to have my home in order...for the last few weeks i have been chilling; trying to get myself to relax and fall back and not stress so much about the house---did not work because i can not wait to get home and CLEAN my house....

2.) track meet----- i regret signing my oldest son up for track...he is good; this is his first year running and he placed 6th overall at the last meet---my baby made it to the finals and errthang!!!!--Great Job Taj!!!----but this mess is taking up all the weekends...I have a track meet EVERY saturday until further notice...the more meets he wins the longer the track meets....i mean dang, getting up every day at 6 am and now i have to get up at 6 am on saturdays....when does momma get a break---i guess i don't, that is the job of being a wonderful mom!!!! (smooches to me)

3.) no children---there is a plus side to all of this----this is my weekend w/o the children---yeah!!! so i will be able to clean in peace....(yall i really can not wait to clean my house)

4.) date--- i do have a date this saturday---the guy is nice i met him at Sav-A-Lot(the weirdest thing; that is a blog all in itself) we are suppose to be going to dinner and see a movie...i don't think i want to do the movie thing because you really can't talk in the movies....you have to just sit there and be quiet, plus he probably would not want to go see what i want to go see....and that is Shrek the third.....yes, i said it, i love Shrek and i can not wait to go see it along with Spiderman.... (don't be laughing either!!!)

this is what my weekend looks like as of right now----who knows things do change all except.......me CLEANING my house!!!!!!!

Karma

.....is a bitch... well after that long spiel about loving "Hip-Hop" and him loving me the reality hit me like a ton of bricks last night.....For the first time in 3 months he ignored my calls...I called him 3 times and i text him twice....no response...I was shocked!

It was 1 am and i received a phone call,Mum-Mum(that is what he calls me) open the door, I'm on my way...at first i said no, then i said yeah, i had to find out why he didn't respond to any of my calls or text. i did not want to trip because he never did this before and i trusted him and had no reason not too....until now!

He gets there, he is high out of his mind (zany's so he says) again another first, I asked "why did you not respond to me at all today" the answer i got was marvelous, "i was busy"...WTF do you mean you were busy....you have never been too busy for me..... now i am thinking what is really good.

Again he is so out of his mind, he falls straight to sleep, half talking and what not....Now i am ANGRY, how dare he come here and tell me he was too busy for me during regular hours but at 1 am he is here...nah, nucca you got the game twisted...so for like a half hour or so i am trying to wake him and get him out my house...no luck....

I decided to be a better person, since i knew he was blasted, i let him sleep that mess he was on off...

Check him out; zooted and never knew the things i was doing to him

In the meantime, i got curious, i did something that i never did before (i was wrong too).....i went through his phone.......ladies, we know that is a NO- NO but i was curious.... and was i shocked...

oh this one broad, was blasting him left and right i mean totally being disrespectful, some shyt i was on when i was younger....now that I am a lady there is no need for disrespectfulness.......say what you gotta say and let it go.....there were a few text msg. from "Wifey" as well....

Wifey text's did not shock me but the side jawns made a lot of since....it all made since as to why he was not able to contact me back "he was busy" apparently Hip-Hop had to see the side jawn because she was straight tripping...

Now again, i knew what i was getting into and decided to deal with it as long as he was honest and respectful....it was good for me because I am learning me, i am not ready for a steady relationship (i was in one for 4 years and he treated me like shyt) and i am about having "SAFE FUN" and he was just that---My Hip-Hop, my fun.....Now i know the truth!!!

I get up this morning, get ready for work, get my kids together and this Nucca is still sleep in my bed, i paid him no attention....All of a sudden he jumps up, looks at the clock, and says why you ain't wake me up, oh f*ck,.....(another first)

I look at this lying azz nucca and blast him....again i am a lady so it was done in a lady like manner...oh but he got the picture...

I could tell he was shocked that all this was coming from his Mum-Mum but yes darling it was me....I let him know that he never had to lie to me about none of the broads he was with, he never had to be with me as often as he was, i never asked him, that is what he did...then i also let him know that i will not play second to no side jawn....i am your friend and you should have respected me as such.....therefore you did not now Bounce!!!!

He was shocked......with his face on the floor i proceeded to do as i was, when i left he left, and he left walking.....no good byes, no i will call you, nothing....

I can not understand how all of a sudden he changed the game that fast and with out warning and this is the same Nucca that set and had heart to heats with me, cried with me, talked about his childhood and the things he seen and wish he had not seen....was it all game....i guess and i fell for it, Hip-Hop tricked me and the shyt is shocking.....

I guess Karma is a BITCH........never have i ever cheated, been the other woman (knowingly) or settled for second best and when i did, i was made a fool of...



Lesson Learned---keep learning me, loving me and always put me first.....if he has others regardless of how i feel about being single and having fun let it go, it is just a disaster waiting to happen....Love ME first and them NUCCA'S last!

Is Hip Hop Gone?????

.....not really! i guess we do have some type of connection that ties us... this will be our third time dealing with each other....hip hop has a family as do i. His significant other knows all about me and i know all about her....as my other knows about hip hop and hip hop knows about him. hip hop and i went hiatus with our others for a while...me for about 6 months and him for about 3 months. in that time we enjoyed each other's company....hip hop has other "dimes and lovelies" as he calls them and they are furious that he spends his free time with me....i can't control what he chooses to do although i am glad he choose me, his mum-mum or his chocolate...

well about a week ago, Sunday May 5th, hip hop stated that he was going to try to make it work with his children's mother. We agreed that if either went back we would not mess with each other because of the connection we have mentally and physically. So we parted ways.......for one damn day....Monday night he was texting me and i was loving every minute of it.....and now hip hop is back....

i know that i am wrong for messing with this man while he is suppose to be tryna make it work but she acting like she don't want him and if she don't i damn sure do....some one's trash is always someone else's treasure....

the only reason so far that they can not work is because of me, she knows about our history from the beginning as she was a mutual friend of ours...she knew how he felt about me before they ever started dating....we never made it because i was young he was young and we were into different things and then did not understand what our feelings were....so now we are back at it again and she is upset....

so what do i do, do i be a woman and step back and let her have the man that i want, that i had first or do i continue to do what i am doing and either end up hurt because he may choose her over me or he could love me and i love him like no other....

the physical is OFF-THE-HOOK, the BEST sex of my life!!!!!!! the comfortability that i have with him, the respect he has for my body, the chemistry, the power, the connection is like WHOA!!!!!! it is mind blowing sex!!!!! again the physical is MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!!!!

i love him dearly and i want him to be happy as he feels the same about me...i don't want my significant other back and it has nothing to do with hip hop----a whole nother set of issues---trust me.!!! any ways, he wants to try to make it work with his children's mother because they have children together and he wants them to be brought up together and just wants to try make her happy because he can admit that he did not give her his all, he claims he owes her that....

i listen but a part of me is like this nucca is bullshitin' me and i want to bounce, walk away, but what if???? what if he chooses me, what if he doesn't, what if i am the one, what if he is the one...what if i am the one?????? there are too many what if's and i am not ready to let go.....but i know that i am wrong to an extent....

i want him and i am not ready to let go...........i guess hip hop is not gone, not yet anyway!!!!!!!!
...............karma is a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hip Hop is Gone!!!

.....and i feel like i have lost my very best friend in the world....actually i did lose my very best friend in the world (as a male). Not only did we have a relationship we also had a friendship, a friendship that our significant others may never understand. When i needed him the most he was there and when he needed me the most i was there.

there are some things that you do in life that requires "the need" and there are others that you do because you want to. He needed to be with his family because they needed him and i needed to be with my family because they needed me. We agreed, in the very beginning ,that when and if it was time to return "home" we would discuss it....and do that just that....we would let each other know, and not hear if from the streets....and he did just that...

Sunday the day came, he kept his promise to me which made me respect our friendship even more. He and i were honest from day one and we stayed that way all the way to the end... there is no bitterness, no hatred, no anger just more love for him than he will ever know....

I know i was special in his life, although he said it, he never had to because i knew!!! I knew we had something that no one would ever understand....He is good guy and he wants to give his future a chance. He knew he did not give his all to his family when they needed him the most so he walked a way and when he walked away he met me. The funny thing was, he was doing what my ex did and when i explained it to him and broke it down for him he understood and i told him to be patience, persistent and give her space and she will come around......and she did!!!

i don't regret giving the advice because i would have given the same advice if it where one of my girlfriends.....I want him to be happy!!!

I miss him already, he was constant and consistent in my life for these last 3 months and when you get use to a person and no longer get that or know that you will no longer get that the reality of it all will hit you harder than a brick.

yes, i shed tears, but not for hurt, nor anger but because my friend is gone....I will miss him...

This was our last go at it and i did not want to overstep my bounds, but i do wish i would have said i too loved him.....although that is something that doesn't have to be said because we both knew we loved each other....an unspoken love, a magical love, real love.....just at the wrong time...

We shared our first last kiss yesterday. The sparks and the chemistry was still there and will forever be, i met my soul mate but a day late and a dollar short....

Love?!?!?!?!?!?.........My Hip Hop is Gone!

TOTALLY CONFUSED!!!!!!!

my original blog, i can no longer log into, i wonder if is because i have changed email addresses.....

my daughter's father has been out of her life for 5 years as of tomorrow. last week this Bama called---he got the number from his mother-----he seems genuinely interested in getting to know his now 6 year old daughter---other than our incident, which had something to do with him disappearing, we had a pretty good relationship. He was, at that time, a great dad!!!

Now he is back and wants to be involved full time---My daughter is at a point in her life where she needs her father and i want her father there but he is still so very unstable. He claims he has his own apt., a car, and he works---Kudos to you!!! i say but you are doing all that and never thought to send her a dime. Why now, is the question i have asked, and his reply " i miss y'all---I'm still in love with you, and i want us to be together"

is this man tripping, how am i to feel about him after 5 years, although, i never stopped loving him! Is he here for me, my daughter, or us as a whole? He says us as a whole. I have told him over and over again that he does not have to "woo" me to be involved in his daughters life. I just request that when i allow you back in you stay. I say this because my daughter has not had a "i want my daddy issue" quite frankly she had no interest in him, and was very content. I do not want this man coming into her life and causing Kaos---right now she is a very stable 6 year.

again he reassures me that he is here forever.......we shall see.

Now, when he left i missed the heck out of him and after years went by i blocked all other feelings out, i denied loving him, made up excuses as to why i was with him and that was to hide my hurt and pain. i had missed my ex-fiancee----

Now he is back and it gets deeper. I have some feelings for him but i first want him and his daughter to reconnect before him and i do anything. i want to make sure that the relationship between the two of them is stable and mommy has nothing to do with her dad coming back.

My feelings are all rushing back quickly and confusingly....i am currently seeing someone, it is nothing serious but we do like each other----Hip-Hop (my first blog entry). hip hop is cool but he has his issues and sometimes i just don't want to deal w/them and truthfully, normally i don't. Hip hop knows about, let's call him "hitman", and hitman knows about hip hip and neither of them like it because...............they use to be sparring buddies!!! I knew nothing of the sort until now.......!!!

Hip hop and hitman are kind of a like----they both are tough well built men...i love big men!!! hitman has more muscle tone to him but overall i am physically attracted to the both of them. The question is what do i do, i have no commitment to either of them but i don't want to lose them at the same time....i am not trying to play both men, i think of it as keeping my options open. Hitman currently resides in Columbus, Ohio and has since married---he has been separated from his wife for 2 years now, however that is just is side of the story!!!! hip-hop and his "wifey" separated prior to me and he does miss her but at the same time he claims he likes me too....

Knowing all this i will not set myself up for any type of heartache or my daughter so what do i do.....Hitman is coming down this weekend to visit us and hip-hop is not aware of this. i don't know how to tell him this as he does spend most of the weekends at my house!!!!

i just want to know if we ( hitman and I) still have fire and if so, then i would definitely try to make a go at it with him once again, as we have a child together. I won't jump into anything serious until we know this is it....i told him he will have to come correct and so far he has!!!!!!!

what about hip-hop?

Blog members please help me, i am totally confused!!!!!!!

My Feelings

Today I am not my self.........
i am angry
i am mad
i am frustrated
i am broke
i am lonely
i am afraid
i am tired
i am stuck in this dead end job
i am stressed out...everthing is bothering me
i just want to be left alone
this job is driving me crazy----working me like a dog and for nothing---i am so ready to quit----i have worked too hard to only get a .40 raise and i handle combined a 6 million dollar acct....but you only give me .40 raise---is that all i am worth.
i am ready to quit, then i will be broker than what i already am and then i might go postal
my friend is getting on my nerves, are there any real men out there?
i feel used, i feel neglected, i feel like i have just been played
my friends are not who they say they are---they are phony---i need to get the negativity out of my life right now.
i thought the music would help me but it is only making me sadder.
this is not a good day for me today
the baby is sick, the dr.s office will not open back up until 30th of april--that is ridiculous.
if this co-worker says one more thing........oh, i am gonna snap on her azz
everyone is getting on my nerves right now
blogging is not helping (breathe)this is going to be a LONG day-----just everyone stay away from me!
i think she thinks i am playing-----oh, please keep your comments to yourself
i don't have to be bubbly today, i am bubbly every damn day---not today

Today's lesson..........keep away from me until further notice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You

You walked me home from my first party
You gave me my first real kiss
You made me feel good but there was too a twist

You got me pregnant
You cried "please don't kill nothing don't let nothing die"
then you said goodbye
Only to come back six years later with tears in your eyes.

I forgave youwe moved on
then a week later you were gone.

While you were gone,I matured, had two more, of course they weren't yours
We would see each other in passing but never said a word
Occasionally you would get caught asking, "how you and your man doing"
Fine I would reply, and think to myself I just told a bold face lie.

I smile as I have nothing left to say
all because of how you walked away.

Time has gone by, and once again you have caught my eye.
Your eye, my eye--the eyes don't lie

You pursued me for months
I continued with the front knowing that inside I wanted to try.

Finally you can't take no more
You pin me against the fridge door
Kissing me with all your passion looking for my reaction
Nothing, is what I tell you because love will always fail you

You and I eventually became friends
strong friends, even sweet loving friends
but all things must come to an end.

When it is time to say goodbye just know
You where that special guy

We will kiss our last kiss
say our final farewells....

Goodbye to you ----This time forever is what I will say as we watch each other walk away.

When I get there....

I ask to speak to a Manager....they call her up, Holly a customer wants to speak with you. She is a damn ray of sunshine so it was really hard for me to be mean...I said "Hi on Saturday, I came in a purchased a 2 piece suit for my toddler and when I got home and opened it up there were no pants. She says, We want to apologize because we have the pants here...she pulls out the pants...Now I am looking at her, like if you even think I am going to walk out of here with these pants after the fact it's going to be trouble....trouble...I said well, Easter is over and I would like to have my money back...That's no problem, we were open Easter Sunday (the only store in the whole Mall) and we thought the person they belonged to would come back for them....She said "I was a little afraid of working tonight because I knew I would have an irate customer..I said well if you would have caught me Saturday night I would have been that irate customer...I said I appreciate your friendly manner but Holly, I am very displeased. My holiday was ruined at the expense of your employee. I had plans that had to be cancelled such as Easter Pictures and attending morning service! We truly understand your frustration, we will refund your money and we sincerely apologize.Now, I am still pist but really what can I do, Easter is over....they took the suit back, refunded my money but a little part of me wanted more....Mind you the baby is looking at these Thomas the train DVDs and this spider-man book bag---Holly says, is this the little guys whose Easter was ruined---Yes, well let me have the two items he has...I gave them to her she wrung them up and credited them off---Handed the baby the bag with the spider-man book bag and the Thomas The Train DVD...he was please...which pleased me. Sears wasn't that bad after all (just check your suits!)

They better watch out!!!

Sears I am coming for you!!! Here I am, Easter Shopping, in the Deptford Mall for my three children----Two boys and one girl....Ladies, you already know that when you are shopping with three of your own children and two of someone else's children...That is a disaster!!!! I am in Sears trying on a suit jacket for my 2 year old son, he wanted to run and play and laugh and fall out---trust, I am not in the mood for that---I have been out shopping long enough and I am ready to go....When I notice, this lady, watching me and on her walkie-talkie saying something----now automatically, I thought this whench was talking about me...I said not today lady not today...She just looksI put the suit jacket on the baby (a size 4 for a 2 year old) it fit because he is tall---the pants a little long. I put the pants back on the hanger, put the jacket back---give the suit to my mom so she can ring it up---yes, I was ghetto!!! My mom was in line (she was next) and I was last (the line was long)...I saw the people looking and at this moment I was looking right back at them like say something---I want you to...When my mom gets to the counter you can tell the lady had an attitude (because I jumped line sort of speak--but not really because we where together---honestly, I was dead wrong---I hate people who do that, oh well)....she actually unbuttons the suit jacket, take the pants off (of course she was checking to make sure that the pants were a size 4 as well as the jacket, us black people will change the suit jacket and pants up, quick) then she says there is no price on this, the baby starts running, I go after him, I said mom, the suits are right here, then I hear never mind, and the suit is wrapped up and we leave the store...About 11:00 pm, NO it was exactly 11:00 pm Saturday night, I start to take the clothes out for Church...I take my daughter's 80.00 dress out(I think that was ridiculous but the dress was absolutely gorgeous) hung that up, take her shoes out, her stockings etc....take my oldest son's suit out and etc....I get to the baby's suit, take it out and there were NO DAMN PANTS!!!!I lost my mind----here it is 11:00 at night and my son has no pants and all the stores are closed.....I am heated and I want to fight!!!Needless to say, I had a 45.00 1/2 suit for a damn 2 year old, that he could not wear---all because this bitch---yes, I am still mad---slipped up on her pimpin' at work...Tell me how the hell you forget to put the pants back on the hanger---was it my job to check to make sure she put the suit back together? I gave it to her as a suit; it clearly has on the jacket 2 PIECE SUIT---she slipped...Now, I am going their today, after work, peaceful--but if they even suggest some craziness, I am going to do just that---GET-DA-F*CK-CRAZY!!!!So Sears, just know that I am coming and you better watch out!!!!!!!!!!!

....Where do We go From Here

HE" is my friend and "HE" is my lover
Where Do we go from here?

"HE" is my ray of sunshine when I am down
"HE" is my cup of coffee in the morning
Where do we go from here?

I complained, I cried, I worried, I searched for "HE"
One day "HE" came---I mean really came!!
Where do we go from here

Now that "HE" is here, do I really want this,
Do I really want HE as a part of ME?
Where do we go from here.

My mind is blown from the long talks,
My body is worn from the lovemaking all night long
I think, silently, in my mind,In the morning "HE" will be gone.
Where do we go from here.

The birds are chirping,
The sun rays are pouring in, T
he baby is whining, And the two older ones are shouting!!
Mom, Mom, she did this, he did that
All this before the alarm rings
I think in to myself
Where do we go from here

Beep, Beep, Beep, damn is it that time,
My alarm is ringing,
my children are screaming
And then I hear "Get up baby, time for work" Then I remember--Last night
Damn,"HE" is still here

Could this be that "HE" is really for me
Tell me, Where do we go from Here

Baby Daddy's Drama......

All this drama because I do not want to be with you... Are you for real...Men talk about having "Baby Momma Drama" I have "Baby Daddy Drama"...I despise the fact that he can actually thinks he can dictate to me what he is going to do and what he is not going to do... check this....We lived together for 4 years...there was nothing but lying, cheating, stealing (yes I said it stealing from me, his own baby boy, and my mother)...this man was no good and I saw the signs...but like every immature woman,I thought I could change him---Ladies, you can't they are who they are!!! When I finally decided I had had enough I told him you got to roll---Mind you this was in August of 2006....I only asked that he pay one thing, which is also court ordered and that was to pay daycare (180.00 bi-weekly)...do you know until this day I have not received a dime. Right now, the baby has been spending the weeks with him (since he STILL is not working) and I go get him every other weekend to let him know I am going to continue to do my part..for the last past 3 weekends in a row I have went to Philly (of course he has no car--never did--always drove mine--) to pick up my son and spend time with him....Now this is my weekend to relax w/o any children because I do have two more. Since he knows this and can not stand the fact that someone else might be there, all of a sudden he is now working every weekend , he has this new job and he only works on the weekends...so this every other weekend thing has to stop--as he says and I am bringing the baby back---cool do you have daycare money, I say--I am working on it---well you can not bring him back until you can afford to put him back in daycare.---(Yall he don't have it!!!!!)Why did I say that, this man tripped on me, called me all kinds of names and I am not this and I am not that, his family will do this and his family will do that, bury myself in the whole that I have dug---all this craziness early in the morning.... Now I am thinking I know this NUCCA just did not call me out me name early this morning...After all that I have done for you and put up with, it all came back....I finally, had enough....as Mary J Blige would say "I held my tongue for too long, I can't do it no more" all of 4 years released on that ass!!!!!!! I ripped him a new ass from the beginning of our relationship until this very morning...For once, in my life I stood up! I spoke my mind and let go, and I know right at this very moment his mouth is hitting the freaking floor--stunned--can't believe what I just said---Good!!!! I have had Enough, I dealt with too much for too long---IT IS OVER!!!!!Sitting back and learning who I am made me realize regardless of what he said to me it was how he treated me that let me know that it wasn't really love---and once I realized that I let go. I tried to remain friendly and peaceful but he kept pushing and pushing and pushing until I finally pushed back---- You would think that it would be the mother tripping'---naw not this time----it was the daddy tripping---Baby Daddy's Drama....

This is how it all went down.....

Well, after my last entry there were more......in total we had approximately 4 or 5 people lose their jobs on Friday....I was so sick about it I had to leave, my stomach was in knots and I was nervous....My review went wonderful but I am not apart of the "Work Crew" so I think that my GM has it out for me....don't know if the "Party" is over but I am now prepared.....I have decided if it is my time to go then so be it...I will return to school and continue to work on my nursing degree....it would actually be a blessing in disguise!

Damn, Damn, Damn..............

....I have just discovered that my job is doing some serious layoffs--seniority does not even matter! This lady a 3 year employee has just been laid off--No warning just let go in the middle of the day....that is jacked up. She is 60 years old! Where is she going to find another job and she is not old enough to collect social security.....How they did it was foul .....Her severance pay is to pay her for the rest of the day.....she was let go at 1:30; her work day ends at 4:30---WOW!!!!!! They were wonderful to her....Am I next??????

Falling for Hip-Hop

I know I have tripped......I am in a situationn right now that I can not believe I allowed myself to be in....what was I thinking......Obviously I wasn't.....Could we have created something so grand but because the timing is wrong we have to let it go.....I can't seem to let go, I know it is the right thing to do but HE is my Hip-Hop and I think that I am starting to enjoy it...never knew I had a thing for Hip-Hop....The 3 worded lines that are shouted out daily puts a smile on my face and a thought in my head...is he talking about me....the best love of his life.....Hip Hop is really sounding good to me...never knew I liked Hip-Hop....nah Hip-Hop is not for me...I like R&B---smooth, mellow, soothing, and calming....But for some Reason I have taking a liking to Hip-Hop......I think...no...the lines hit me again..."6'1" dark and lovely they say i'm black and beautiful it's true no phoney i'm browner than Larry so won't you bee my tenderoni."...Hip-Hop is really trying to get my attention.....then I realized I am falling for Hip-Hop..............