OK, i haven't written in a while...i have been dealing with a lot....I have been trying to find my strength in the lord....which brings me to my topic----FAITH!!!I am young and independent, i have been through a lot and i have seen and heard a lot but nothing had destroyed my faith up until Friday, Jun 1, 2007.....
Yes, i have a "dead beat baby daddy" but i never let that stop my show....to be honest i never wanted my son but he is here now and i love his little butt to death.....I guess God needed me to see how important my son was too me, whether i wanted to see it or not....
JUN 1, 2007
This is like so many weeks of unpaid daycare...Mind you i don't ask him for nothing but daycare he is court ordered to pay, which he doesn't and because i am not on welfare i have to handle that situation on my own per family court intake---ain't that some %#&@$!....anyway, i have paid the daycare on numerous occasions when he hadn't and with things getting more expensive, especially gas and i have a SUV things are a little tight for me...so i decided i was no longer going to play these games...you have a job and a responsibility to take care of this child as i do and you will do it...
at this point daycare is now two weeks past due and this is his weekend with his son (he has ditched him a few times there too---he really ain't %#&@$!) so i call him, i am polite and i tell him "daycare has to be paid today, you did not pay the week ending 5/25 and this week is due 6/1 the amount is 180.00" he replies, "how i gave you (check this out) $35.00 last week....so i only owe you $125.00 (now i am thinking to myself all these months he has went w/o paying daycare he is actually going to credit himself 35.00 from the 180.00---he ain't %#&@$! and 35.00 from 180 is 145--NUCCA can't subtract either)
i had to break it down for him, um i paid 19.99 for a box of 80 pampers, 5.99 for a box of wipes, and i purchased him 5 chef boyardee lunches @ 1.19 a cup... now how far do you think that 35.00 was going to go....and you don't owe me 125 you owe me 145.00---35 from 180 is 145.00...he replies i gave you an extra 20.00 two weeks ago...
now i am getting pist---all this time i covered this lousy %#&@$! 180.00 and you are going to micro mange every dime you gave me, which wasn't that often....i said well, since you want to be petty' figure up all the times i covered daycare, then i said you know what just pay the 180.00 (i wasn't going to be petty or immature)...as of today i am out of the daycare situation.. since you are financially responsible for it by court order you handle it...i will let them know that all financial responsibilities will lay with you....
he says oh no you won't, i don't live there you handle it---(he acts like he lives a thousand miles away, he lives in Philly off of 76 a half hour ride...) i said look i am tired of being embarrassed every time i go there and find out that you haven't paid and they are looking for me to pay (sometimes i don't have the money but i sacrifice one thing to pay for another) i am not dealing with it anymore...Goodbye!
well, i guess he did not like that coming from the push over (he thought i was anyway) he calls back (mind you, i am at work) since you want to be petty i am not paying daycare (cause you don't have it ; u never do, is what i an thinking) and i am NOT taking my son, when you get here i won't be here(now i am thinking is he really going to diss his son for 180.00, it is not that serious)
As normal, i get off, work, pack the baby's bag head to Philly, get there, i see him and his ugly %#&@$! cousin(my bad that was mean) in front of the shop, i blow to make sure he sees me, i go around the block and park come back with the baby and my two other kids in toe, he is gone....
i go inside hey, where's (deadbeat)? i don't know replies his brother....i reply, they were just in front of the shop...nah, i don't know where they are at....now i am thinking to myself, i know this nucca ain't playing this game...so i waited for him for like a half hour.....
a patron comes out the barbershop (because that is where he lives) and she says are you the baby mom, i am like yes, she replies, sis he is in there....he told his brother when my baby mom comes in tell her that i am not here....Now i am heated he is not going to give me the money nor is he going to take the baby (calm down girl). i go back in, P, i am not trying to cause a seen in your shop but i know your brother is in here or you know where he is at... P says for real meek he didn't come in here...
Now i know he is lieing, i got my children with me how am i going to react? I walk out try to calm myself...i am thinking, and i am pacing back and forth....this light skin dude comes up, yo you look mad as hell sis, i say, go in there and tell deadbeat to come out now!!! light skin dude com back he says, look ma, (ugly ass cousin) in there sleep, and deadbeat says he ain't here.....now i snap!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i push pass light skin dude, go get your f*cking brother now, i am not playing these games, i have no time for it...this is your nephew, you gonna do your nephew like this? P replies, i am for real they never came in here....Why the f*ck dude just tell me that (ugly %#&@$! cousin) is sleep and (dead beat) said he ain't here...you go get him or i will.....
i realized i am being petty, crazy and unlady like (but %#&@$! this is my son) then it clicked, leave him here....dead beat gotta come back sooner or later, (since they claim he ain't here---liars).....so i place my 2 year old in the chair with is bag and tell his brother, tell him to come get his son..... me and my two other children walk out....(read real carefully, you are not going to believe this)
Dead beats brother, my son's uncle places my 2 (two) year old son on the step with his bag, closes the door and lock it...My son is now running towards the street and me and my other children are crossing....i had to grab them and run back to get my son, because he was coming into the street and a trolley was coming........(at that moment i knew this little boy was my everything he was apart of my being, i realized, i love my son)
when we all were safe, i went ballistic...i was looking for the brothers car (nice Accra) because i was going to bust that son of a %#&@$! up----i started screaming, cursing, kicking the door just acting pure ugly, and all this time his dad made no effort....i finally got it together, and left...
on the ride home, my children rode in silence...(surprised) i thought to myself, i have been dedicated to the lord, i have try to allow him to order my steps but why has God allowed me to endure this struggle alone....the more and more I thought the less faith i had in him, God!!!
by the time i reached my home, i had completely lost it, i was crying, contemplating suicide and taking the kids with me....not because i did not love them but because i loved them so much and i am the reason that they are here and they do not have the fullest life they can have, their fathers.....
i made bad decisions regarding men and i felt like my decisions had cause pain in my children who did not ask to be here...guilt was eating me alive....the more i thought, the more i realized that i choose this life and wanted it to be over....at that moment i loved no one, not even God....
the situation became so horrific and as i started to describe my pain to my mom she realized that i needed her...My best friend came,not knowing what she was walking into, and to be honest, she was shocked....my friends look up to me because for all these years i have held it down and never lost focus and for the first time they saw me out of control of things....she did not know what to say....actually her saying nothing was the best thing....
my dad showed up and that helped a lot...for the first time, my dad was my daddy!!!! i needed his comfort and his love and he gave it to me....was there until 12:00 that night....
as the weekend progressed, i started questioning the things going on in my life, and asked God why have you made me so strong, why am i so independent....you know what the reply was, "i have given you 3 of the best blessings i could give you and you are the only one tough enough to take on this task of being their mother and father....."
that is truly what my heart felt so with that, it renewed my strength and restored my faith....i looked at my children and i promised to give them the best damn life i can....i stopped complaining about what their fathers aren't doing and started thinking about what more can i do...
IF GOD BROUGHT YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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MOMMIES BABIES, DADDIES MAYBE*************************
