Lawrence Marcus Smith

ok, that is his name...nice guy....i have been in the dumps lately and Lawrence has somehow lifted my spirits....his conversation is nice, i got it, he is a grown man....wow, is this what it feels like to talk to a grown man...what a beautiful thing....

i mean the brother is talking about possibly raising our children together....i mean wanting them to be sucessful black men.....it blew my mind...this man was not thinking about having relations with me, (if he was, he never mentioned it) our talks were about the future and what he wanted out of life and what he expected from life....it was real crazy...i was in my element...

not much more to say but just to say that i met a really nice guy....................

Lawrence Marcus Smith..................?

Thank You

i just received this through email and with all that i have been going through and all that he has brought me through he deserves a thank you, not now but right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!


DEAR GOD:

I want to thank You for what you have already done.

I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet; I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed; I am thanking you right now.
I am thanking you because I am alive.
I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I'm thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.

KEEPING THE FAITH!!!!!!!!

OK, i haven't written in a while...i have been dealing with a lot....I have been trying to find my strength in the lord....which brings me to my topic----FAITH!!!I am young and independent, i have been through a lot and i have seen and heard a lot but nothing had destroyed my faith up until Friday, Jun 1, 2007.....

Yes, i have a "dead beat baby daddy" but i never let that stop my show....to be honest i never wanted my son but he is here now and i love his little butt to death.....I guess God needed me to see how important my son was too me, whether i wanted to see it or not....

JUN 1, 2007

This is like so many weeks of unpaid daycare...Mind you i don't ask him for nothing but daycare he is court ordered to pay, which he doesn't and because i am not on welfare i have to handle that situation on my own per family court intake---ain't that some %#&@$!....anyway, i have paid the daycare on numerous occasions when he hadn't and with things getting more expensive, especially gas and i have a SUV things are a little tight for me...so i decided i was no longer going to play these games...you have a job and a responsibility to take care of this child as i do and you will do it...

at this point daycare is now two weeks past due and this is his weekend with his son (he has ditched him a few times there too---he really ain't %#&@$!) so i call him, i am polite and i tell him "daycare has to be paid today, you did not pay the week ending 5/25 and this week is due 6/1 the amount is 180.00" he replies, "how i gave you (check this out) $35.00 last week....so i only owe you $125.00 (now i am thinking to myself all these months he has went w/o paying daycare he is actually going to credit himself 35.00 from the 180.00---he ain't %#&@$! and 35.00 from 180 is 145--NUCCA can't subtract either)

i had to break it down for him, um i paid 19.99 for a box of 80 pampers, 5.99 for a box of wipes, and i purchased him 5 chef boyardee lunches @ 1.19 a cup... now how far do you think that 35.00 was going to go....and you don't owe me 125 you owe me 145.00---35 from 180 is 145.00...he replies i gave you an extra 20.00 two weeks ago...

now i am getting pist---all this time i covered this lousy %#&@$! 180.00 and you are going to micro mange every dime you gave me, which wasn't that often....i said well, since you want to be petty' figure up all the times i covered daycare, then i said you know what just pay the 180.00 (i wasn't going to be petty or immature)...as of today i am out of the daycare situation.. since you are financially responsible for it by court order you handle it...i will let them know that all financial responsibilities will lay with you....

he says oh no you won't, i don't live there you handle it---(he acts like he lives a thousand miles away, he lives in Philly off of 76 a half hour ride...) i said look i am tired of being embarrassed every time i go there and find out that you haven't paid and they are looking for me to pay (sometimes i don't have the money but i sacrifice one thing to pay for another) i am not dealing with it anymore...Goodbye!

well, i guess he did not like that coming from the push over (he thought i was anyway) he calls back (mind you, i am at work) since you want to be petty i am not paying daycare (cause you don't have it ; u never do, is what i an thinking) and i am NOT taking my son, when you get here i won't be here(now i am thinking is he really going to diss his son for 180.00, it is not that serious)

As normal, i get off, work, pack the baby's bag head to Philly, get there, i see him and his ugly %#&@$! cousin(my bad that was mean) in front of the shop, i blow to make sure he sees me, i go around the block and park come back with the baby and my two other kids in toe, he is gone....

i go inside hey, where's (deadbeat)? i don't know replies his brother....i reply, they were just in front of the shop...nah, i don't know where they are at....now i am thinking to myself, i know this nucca ain't playing this game...so i waited for him for like a half hour.....

a patron comes out the barbershop (because that is where he lives) and she says are you the baby mom, i am like yes, she replies, sis he is in there....he told his brother when my baby mom comes in tell her that i am not here....Now i am heated he is not going to give me the money nor is he going to take the baby (calm down girl). i go back in, P, i am not trying to cause a seen in your shop but i know your brother is in here or you know where he is at... P says for real meek he didn't come in here...

Now i know he is lieing, i got my children with me how am i going to react? I walk out try to calm myself...i am thinking, and i am pacing back and forth....this light skin dude comes up, yo you look mad as hell sis, i say, go in there and tell deadbeat to come out now!!! light skin dude com back he says, look ma, (ugly ass cousin) in there sleep, and deadbeat says he ain't here.....now i snap!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i push pass light skin dude, go get your f*cking brother now, i am not playing these games, i have no time for it...this is your nephew, you gonna do your nephew like this? P replies, i am for real they never came in here....Why the f*ck dude just tell me that (ugly %#&@$! cousin) is sleep and (dead beat) said he ain't here...you go get him or i will.....

i realized i am being petty, crazy and unlady like (but %#&@$! this is my son) then it clicked, leave him here....dead beat gotta come back sooner or later, (since they claim he ain't here---liars).....so i place my 2 year old in the chair with is bag and tell his brother, tell him to come get his son..... me and my two other children walk out....(read real carefully, you are not going to believe this)

Dead beats brother, my son's uncle places my 2 (two) year old son on the step with his bag, closes the door and lock it...My son is now running towards the street and me and my other children are crossing....i had to grab them and run back to get my son, because he was coming into the street and a trolley was coming........(at that moment i knew this little boy was my everything he was apart of my being, i realized, i love my son)

when we all were safe, i went ballistic...i was looking for the brothers car (nice Accra) because i was going to bust that son of a %#&@$! up----i started screaming, cursing, kicking the door just acting pure ugly, and all this time his dad made no effort....i finally got it together, and left...

on the ride home, my children rode in silence...(surprised) i thought to myself, i have been dedicated to the lord, i have try to allow him to order my steps but why has God allowed me to endure this struggle alone....the more and more I thought the less faith i had in him, God!!!

by the time i reached my home, i had completely lost it, i was crying, contemplating suicide and taking the kids with me....not because i did not love them but because i loved them so much and i am the reason that they are here and they do not have the fullest life they can have, their fathers.....

i made bad decisions regarding men and i felt like my decisions had cause pain in my children who did not ask to be here...guilt was eating me alive....the more i thought, the more i realized that i choose this life and wanted it to be over....at that moment i loved no one, not even God....

the situation became so horrific and as i started to describe my pain to my mom she realized that i needed her...My best friend came,not knowing what she was walking into, and to be honest, she was shocked....my friends look up to me because for all these years i have held it down and never lost focus and for the first time they saw me out of control of things....she did not know what to say....actually her saying nothing was the best thing....

my dad showed up and that helped a lot...for the first time, my dad was my daddy!!!! i needed his comfort and his love and he gave it to me....was there until 12:00 that night....

as the weekend progressed, i started questioning the things going on in my life, and asked God why have you made me so strong, why am i so independent....you know what the reply was, "i have given you 3 of the best blessings i could give you and you are the only one tough enough to take on this task of being their mother and father....."

that is truly what my heart felt so with that, it renewed my strength and restored my faith....i looked at my children and i promised to give them the best damn life i can....i stopped complaining about what their fathers aren't doing and started thinking about what more can i do... IF GOD BROUGHT YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

******************MOMMIES BABIES, DADDIES MAYBE*************************

The Weekend #2

it is the weekend again, a long weekend for me---i have off on Monday----yeah!!!

before i get into the weekend, i have to vent about Hip-Hop!!!!!!

we have been cool now for 3 months and the other day he called stating he wanted to come over---"ya know what i mean"---now i am thinking aren't you back with your baby's mom aka wifey, why are you getting at me....so i let him know, naw, I'm not feeling that way (that was once me, home pregnant, and baby's dad out cheating--i wanted NO parts of that") like i said before Karma is a bitch---

then he stated that he needed to talk about the side jawn that was tripping on him---so i said cool we can do that....then this bama says unlock the back door (oh, hell no!!!! know he just did not tell me to open the back door---since when) so i replied open the back door--yeah----i said ok!!!

Guess what??? i NEVER unlocked the back door....i turned my light out and shut my phone off---now we have been cool all this time; now you want to come through my back door???? I am way too old for that mess---you feel me ...I am woman, a woman of integrity, class, morals, ethics, and values....why come through the back when we are only friends---that let me know that he is now just using me for $ex---ain't gonna happen!!! never did it, nor will it....so needless to say i have not heard from him and that is cool too!!! he has a family which he needs to get right and with me encouraging the infidelity i am no better than he is, and it makes me less of a woman...

so since i am "Learning Me and Lovin' It" i am doing what is right for ME and what is going to make ME happy and that shyt he was trying to pull would have only hindered my growing process!!!! so yeah to me for being strong and remaining strong!!!!!!!

oh, i almost forgot----he did say i can get at him on Fridays--when he come out--Today is Friday----i wonder if he will call----if he does i will let you know!!!! Knowing him he probably will, he does call himself "King Jaffe---ruler of Zamunda"---leave it alone!!!!!! I'm telling you.....just laugh about it!!!!!!!

now back to the weekend plans:

1. clean----i need to fold about 6 tall baskets of clothes that i have been looking at for about 3 weeks (tacky huh) then i have about 6 loads to wash----thank God for my washer and dryer---God knows i despise the Laundromat----i haven't had to go to the laundromat in 4 years--whew!!!! thank you Jesus!!!!!!

2. ANOTHER track meet---this time it is not too far---maybe about an hour drive---My son has made the finals---placed 5th overall so i don't know HOW many more meets i have to attend!!!! Hurry up will ya!!!

3. going out---now, there is a party in CMD (Camden) that is suppose to be off the hook---i hope because i am ready to get my drink on (casually--i don't drink and drive) and my party on---oh, yeah i can dance a little....

4. church on Sunday----i have not been to church since psalm Sunday----lord please for give me---(not going to touch that one---just know i will be in church on Sunday)

5. find some one's barbecue to crash!!!!!!!

*************Have a Great Memorial Day Weekend*****************

The Weekend---Update!!!

ok, sorry to say that all i cleaned was my downstairs and that took from 9:30 am until 2:30 pm...Yall i get down when i clean....i mean, clean baseboards, scrub walls, wash windows and the whole nine---anywho, i only fisnished downstairs because i went to a Barbeque on Sunday (the day i cleaned---i don't know what happened to Friday and Saturday). it was in CMD- Camden!!!! it was not what i thought it was but it was cool--a new scene!!!

so let me get to the date----this bama(Gregg) called---NOPE texted me asking me if i wanted to go to AC on Saturday---i thought to myself ok, ok, i found a brother that knows what is to take a GROWN Lady out!!!! so i responded "that would be great"---he texted back me and my boy---Now hold up---you and your boy, I thought this was a date---so i said don't trip it could be a double date, he might be shy....so i was like that is cool...this is the best part---this NUCCA tells me that it is an OVER NIGHT stay, is that cool---HEll NAW, that aint cool...i have THREE (3) children that need their mother and i am not going no where overnight with any man i just met---who the hell does he think i am----i politely responded, "no, that is not cool, i don't know you, and i am concerned for my safety and the fact that you are bringing your boy is not cool either...instead of him being the gentleman that i THOUGHT he was and say you are right, we don't have to stay this BAMA says "i'm a lover not a killer" Aw HELL NAW for real now---so this NUCCA actually thought i was going to get with him because he took me to AC???? NUCCA be for real---me and my girls do that on a humbug----Now, i am hot and i say you know what this is over----i never texted him back---later that day i recieved another text that says you coming or not----I responded-----NOT!!! then erased the bama's number out my phone.....

This NUCCA had lost his mind to think i was going to go to AC and bone him----Men you better wake up and realize that this is 07 and WOMEN real WOMEN want to be treated like women.....so needless to say----I had no date, but it was cool.....

But i did hook up with this guy on Monday---UM, UM, UM----until next time!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't you know better......

come on bro, you CAN NOT have your JAIL photo on black planet....I mean really dude, you got other pictures....I mean bro the barb wire fence is behind you......this makes no since ----jaysavage173 (yes i put him out there) please brother get that one photo off there....If you are looking for a real woman you certainly are not getting her with your JAIL photo.....(as it is his MAIN photo; this photo represents him across the site)

Blog world, i can not believe that our brothers do not have the common sense not to post a jail photo....god gave them common sense .....why didn't he use his??? how many woman would check his site out....i was just searchin looking at photos and i thought to myself is that barb wire, so i enlarge the photo....damn if it wasn't....when i tell you i hollered; i hollered....the whole office was looking at me like i was crazy....this is the wildest thing i have ever seen before...

My brothers, my brothers, if you have been incarcerated, ain't no shame in that (hopefully you will never go back) but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT post your jail house photo....It is not attractive, nor is it appealing....the only thing it did for me was give me a good laugh and make me ask the question......Don't you know better!!!!!

The weekend

thank goodness it is Friday...there is so much that i have to do this weekend and i am going to do it!!!


1.) clean my house from top to bottom---i am a neat freak and i have to have my home in order...for the last few weeks i have been chilling; trying to get myself to relax and fall back and not stress so much about the house---did not work because i can not wait to get home and CLEAN my house....

2.) track meet----- i regret signing my oldest son up for track...he is good; this is his first year running and he placed 6th overall at the last meet---my baby made it to the finals and errthang!!!!--Great Job Taj!!!----but this mess is taking up all the weekends...I have a track meet EVERY saturday until further notice...the more meets he wins the longer the track meets....i mean dang, getting up every day at 6 am and now i have to get up at 6 am on saturdays....when does momma get a break---i guess i don't, that is the job of being a wonderful mom!!!! (smooches to me)

3.) no children---there is a plus side to all of this----this is my weekend w/o the children---yeah!!! so i will be able to clean in peace....(yall i really can not wait to clean my house)

4.) date--- i do have a date this saturday---the guy is nice i met him at Sav-A-Lot(the weirdest thing; that is a blog all in itself) we are suppose to be going to dinner and see a movie...i don't think i want to do the movie thing because you really can't talk in the movies....you have to just sit there and be quiet, plus he probably would not want to go see what i want to go see....and that is Shrek the third.....yes, i said it, i love Shrek and i can not wait to go see it along with Spiderman.... (don't be laughing either!!!)

this is what my weekend looks like as of right now----who knows things do change all except.......me CLEANING my house!!!!!!!